Shattered

Usually, I don’t know how I feel about writing of the things that I am thankful for during the month where millions of individuals around the nation are giving thanks for the fortune within their lives. Considering the events of this past year, however, and its lasting effects on my well-being, I feel that writing about these things at the very least will provide some form of solace for my spirit. Not to mention help me process my thoughts and emotions into something coherent. Having said that, here goes nothing…

The feeling of betrayal you feel when someone goes behind your back for the sake of living happily ever at the expense of your trust is crippling. When you try to speak out against what is damaging you, the opposing force will do everything to make you seem as though you are “delusional.” Whether it’s gathering opinions that are biased towards their own interests, or if it’s bringing up aspects of yourself so that a negative picture can be painted of you to make themselves look like a hero or a divine being (especially when they want to blot out any glaring red flags borne on their conscience), they’ll resort to this tactic as a means to put you in your place.

You’re nothing but a pawn to them, a means to an end that they can turn to and take advantage of when they want to feel better about themselves. When you take a stand for yourself (because who wants to put up with this crap on repeat?), they scream and cry and wail like spoiled tyrants (King Joffrey, anyone?). They resort to advanced methods of putting you in your place, even if that means they put you, their perceived monster, in a figurative cage. Or they take over the things and responsibilities that are rightfully yours in an exercise of, again, self-glorification at your expense.

And throughout this, you eventually believe that you are less than human, yet you still can’t bring yourself to put an end to it all–which, unfortunately, is also taken advantage of as these individuals perceive it as a confirmation of their self-serving actions born of “happily ever after” being perfectly acceptable to carry on. They continue to try and put you in your place whenever they see fit, or, despite labeling you as an outcast, still hit you up for resources because, apparently, you’re still good for that much. It’s here that you realize that your heart is shattered instead of broken, beyond repair and in need of replacing.

My experiences with these things are something that continue to haunt me in my day-to-day routine or when I sleep at night. Any attempt on my part to go back to who I was before only results in more anguish and discord, and I’m left in a state of grief over the memories that have replaced that idea of who I was. On the other hand, however, in order to grow into something greater, some things must die so that rebirth may occur.

In Greek mythology, the phoenix was prolific for being reborn of its own ashes after its previous body expired–sharing a similarity with the Catholic belief that one’s soul undergoes a purification process so that they may enter eternity with a new body. Similarly, in the physical sciences, matter is neither created nor destroyed, but changes form. The shape and structure of the object are different, yet they remain atomically similar at the core.

I use this example to illustrate what kind of understanding I had come to over the course of the last several months. To go back to what I was would not only be useless, but it would defeat the purpose of any kind of growth I would get for my endeavors in the here and now. The memories of what I had experienced are still going to be there, no matter how much I wish they weren’t, and will continue to be a blight on my spirit for as long as I can tell. On the other hand, it was these same experiences that helped me realize that I was becoming someone meant for the path that I am on now, and something not meant for who I once was.

In coping with the trauma and the fallout of struggling to rediscover myself, I lost many forms of identity and friends that I used to trust. Some of these people and associations were, up until a certain point, were the only true constants in my life. And, sometimes, they may all become toxic, which I soon realized over the course of time. I am not perfect myself, and continue to work on myself every day–to let go of those things that refuse to change or prove time and again to be a vice to the soul, however, makes such a process easier.

To say that I’m no longer suffering from these troubles would be a lie. I’ll reiterate what I said earlier in that I still suffer from these. The silver lining to all of this is that opportunities for greater growth and a network of warmhearted, loving individuals have emerged to provide a light in the dark. The love and care that I have received on all fronts have reminded me of my worth as an individual, and make me want to be a genuinely better person for everyone and everything in this dynamic. I didn’t have to fight for love or approval to establish a sense of worth.

For those reading this facing a similar situation: you’re not alone. It’s going to be hard, and you will break down at some point. Keep going anyway, because the fact that you’ve made it this far means that you can go much farther. People love you. I want you to be successful as well. The harmful actions of others says more about them than it does about you. You are beautiful. You are amazing. You are strong. You will get through this.

 

-Mairi

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Day 9: Sometimes

Sometimes, we fall in love with a coward.

Sometimes, we love someone who casts us aside for the sake of pursuing something that is, ultimately, more attracting by some virtue of a deceitfully physical illusion rather than substance of the emotional.

Sometimes, we are betrayed by those closest to us–for, no matter how virtuous or self-serving their ambition is (especially out of “true love”), they will do whatever it takes to see their goal completed, regardless of who may get hurt.

And, strangely, that’s alright.

Because, sometimes, it takes these to grow into something suited for better than these troubles.

Feeling Thoughtful

Not every day is going to be bright and cheerful, and there are no promises that the next day will be as such either. It’s knowing how to personally get through the struggles of any challenging moments and the willpower to push onward, regardless of the bruises and scars received in the wake of it all, that help us gain the strength to see ourselves through to the eventual dawn of a brighter day.

You have one job, United States

(Note: I will try to compose a writing coherent enough to express my views on last night’s election outcome, as I am still in a state of shock).

For months, Donald Trump has been preaching from a pulpit of racism, sexism, bigotry, and overall crudeness. For months, this has been the main focus of the media and the press, rather than looking at the qualifications of both candidates and all those running for positions in Congress in order to determine the people best cut out for the job that they sought. For months, the people were so focused on looking for ways to make their own party and ideals look squeaky clean (at the expense of their opponents via nitpicking words and actions or anything of the like) that, when a threat in the form of the aforementioned demagogue rose to power and eventual victory, the people were helpless i  their rhetoric. The fact that they had to rely on a candidate that was, in addition to being equally as corrupt and unstable as the President elect, pre-chosen by a corrupt and broken National Convention in order to combat more hatred certainly didn’t help the cause very much.

The fear that this same racism, sexism, and bigotry will become normalized to the point where it may as well be lawful is very, very real. How do we tell our sisters and daughters that a sexual predator is the leader of the free world, and has many people backing him in the House of Congress to help him do whatever he pleases? What kinds of prejudice and hatred are we preparing people of minorities for, especially those who identify as a person of color or as a member of the LGBT+ community? What kinds of religious practices are going to be shunned against–regardless of whether one is a Catholic taking a stand for a life in the womb; a Muslim immigrant who wants to escape the horrors of a war-torn country; or a non-theist who wants to be able to practice their beliefs as freely as their religious brothers and sisters? Most importantly, what does the outcome of the election say about us as people? Where do our own values and morals lie in the grand scheme of things?

Despite the overall upset, there are several things to keep in mind. There are, indeed, a multitude of United States citizens that seem to share the same ideologies as Trump–but, by that same token, there are many others who still believe in the basic dignity of each human being, which goes far beyond any religious, gender, or racial label. We must not let differences in political opinion prevent us from achieving a better future with our brothers and sisters. The United States of America has seen many dark and frightening times in its long and detailed history, and the period which we are about to face is no exception. Yet, despite all that has been experienced, the spirit of hope and the dream for a brighter future has always been a beacon of light for the people, and has helped them see their journey through the darkest nights and even through the brightest of times.

A candidate with less than favorable (to put it nicely) beliefs and traits may have captured enough hearts to get to where he is today, but that is not a signal for everyone else to shut down and lose hope of ever achieving any form of good again. Therefore, it is on us to make sure that, despite whatever trials and tribulations may come as a result of the election, we do not let that stop us from treating our neighbors with the same love and dignity that we each desire in order that we may work together for a future worth having. Abraham Lincoln’s words of “a house divided cannot stand”are more important than they have ever been before, so let us react with love toward one another as we work together to fight for a brighter future.