Shattered

Usually, I don’t know how I feel about writing of the things that I am thankful for during the month where millions of individuals around the nation are giving thanks for the fortune within their lives. Considering the events of this past year, however, and its lasting effects on my well-being, I feel that writing about these things at the very least will provide some form of solace for my spirit. Not to mention help me process my thoughts and emotions into something coherent. Having said that, here goes nothing…

The feeling of betrayal you feel when someone goes behind your back for the sake of living happily ever at the expense of your trust is crippling. When you try to speak out against what is damaging you, the opposing force will do everything to make you seem as though you are “delusional.” Whether it’s gathering opinions that are biased towards their own interests, or if it’s bringing up aspects of yourself so that a negative picture can be painted of you to make themselves look like a hero or a divine being (especially when they want to blot out any glaring red flags borne on their conscience), they’ll resort to this tactic as a means to put you in your place.

You’re nothing but a pawn to them, a means to an end that they can turn to and take advantage of when they want to feel better about themselves. When you take a stand for yourself (because who wants to put up with this crap on repeat?), they scream and cry and wail like spoiled tyrants (King Joffrey, anyone?). They resort to advanced methods of putting you in your place, even if that means they put you, their perceived monster, in a figurative cage. Or they take over the things and responsibilities that are rightfully yours in an exercise of, again, self-glorification at your expense.

And throughout this, you eventually believe that you are less than human, yet you still can’t bring yourself to put an end to it all–which, unfortunately, is also taken advantage of as these individuals perceive it as a confirmation of their self-serving actions born of “happily ever after” being perfectly acceptable to carry on. They continue to try and put you in your place whenever they see fit, or, despite labeling you as an outcast, still hit you up for resources because, apparently, you’re still good for that much. It’s here that you realize that your heart is shattered instead of broken, beyond repair and in need of replacing.

My experiences with these things are something that continue to haunt me in my day-to-day routine or when I sleep at night. Any attempt on my part to go back to who I was before only results in more anguish and discord, and I’m left in a state of grief over the memories that have replaced that idea of who I was. On the other hand, however, in order to grow into something greater, some things must die so that rebirth may occur.

In Greek mythology, the phoenix was prolific for being reborn of its own ashes after its previous body expired–sharing a similarity with the Catholic belief that one’s soul undergoes a purification process so that they may enter eternity with a new body. Similarly, in the physical sciences, matter is neither created nor destroyed, but changes form. The shape and structure of the object are different, yet they remain atomically similar at the core.

I use this example to illustrate what kind of understanding I had come to over the course of the last several months. To go back to what I was would not only be useless, but it would defeat the purpose of any kind of growth I would get for my endeavors in the here and now. The memories of what I had experienced are still going to be there, no matter how much I wish they weren’t, and will continue to be a blight on my spirit for as long as I can tell. On the other hand, it was these same experiences that helped me realize that I was becoming someone meant for the path that I am on now, and something not meant for who I once was.

In coping with the trauma and the fallout of struggling to rediscover myself, I lost many forms of identity and friends that I used to trust. Some of these people and associations were, up until a certain point, were the only true constants in my life. And, sometimes, they may all become toxic, which I soon realized over the course of time. I am not perfect myself, and continue to work on myself every day–to let go of those things that refuse to change or prove time and again to be a vice to the soul, however, makes such a process easier.

To say that I’m no longer suffering from these troubles would be a lie. I’ll reiterate what I said earlier in that I still suffer from these. The silver lining to all of this is that opportunities for greater growth and a network of warmhearted, loving individuals have emerged to provide a light in the dark. The love and care that I have received on all fronts have reminded me of my worth as an individual, and make me want to be a genuinely better person for everyone and everything in this dynamic. I didn’t have to fight for love or approval to establish a sense of worth.

For those reading this facing a similar situation: you’re not alone. It’s going to be hard, and you will break down at some point. Keep going anyway, because the fact that you’ve made it this far means that you can go much farther. People love you. I want you to be successful as well. The harmful actions of others says more about them than it does about you. You are beautiful. You are amazing. You are strong. You will get through this.

 

-Mairi

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Apology

You greeted me with open arms,

Happy to have a companion in this world.

At times, joy arose like a flame

That attracted moths with its light.

The image was perfect.

 

You would rise in fury

When the last of what should have been yours

Was left devoured

Or if I broke something by accident.

It upset you, so I apologized,

And then the joyful atmosphere resumed.

 

Sometimes, I get tired and weary,

And so I sigh to relieve the tension.

Or I try to defend my innocence

During a debacle.

 

That draws ire from you, apparently,

So you mock my voice,

Something that happens in arguments

Whenever I try to defend myself.

I apologize for my actions,

And my behavior is changed for the better.

 

The images of hands playing with its toy,

Disposing of its broken form when the warranty expires,

Violating me,

Are what keep me awake at night.

 

Your philosophy of being honest with yourself

Showcases who you are,

So unique in your flawlessness.

Henceforth, if I have an ambition,

A dream, a love, a desire,

A belief about a happening in my life,

I’m discouraged, for I am “delusional” or “pathetic”,

As that is not what you want.

 

I try to scream “no” to help myself,

But the word comes flying back into my ears.

Sometimes on repeat like a broken record.

One apology later,

One more “I’m always wrong” later,

and your back to contentment,

And I, delusional as I am, am losing a piece of myself.

So long as it means stability.

 

Eventually, the warranty expires,

And you dispose of me and my pieces.

Other hands try to explore my mind,

But I manage to escape into the open.

 

Those who try to drag me into the darkness

Claim purity and innocence.

I can’t attack them myself,

Not because of their purity,

But to preserve that

Which still holds me

In one piece.

 

The pieces, surprisingly,

Are resilient,

Despite hanging on to each other

By possibly a spaghetti noodle.

I find myself a little more wary,

But time permits me

To see the light of others

A little more clearly each day.

 

Despite the shadows,

I can feel the joy returning,

My body healing itself.

 

I’m not sorry.

 

 

 

 

Runner’s High

The bitter cold stings and whips

Against your skin

As your feet blaze

Through the terrain.

The high is in full throttle,

And you’re savoring every second

Of this bliss.

 

The beginning wasn’t too unpleasant,

But now this euphoria

Of energy and joy

Comes unbridled,

And, for a moment,

You catch a glimpse

Of Nirvana.

 

The sprint having reached

A steady rhythm and pace,

You carry on

To maintain this pleasure,

This perfection.

 

Something cuts you off–

A lost and disoriented walker,

Unable to make their mind up–

You pause

To let them cross.

 

You feel great,

But now feel the stinging ache

Of tight muscles

Between your shoulders.

 

No big, you tell yourself,

Proceeding to try and regain

The addictive rush.

 

You pause more often,

For the ache of your joints

Have coupled

With a need for water.

You didn’t realize your thirst

Until inspection

Of a leg

In the dry wind

Made it so.

 

You have to be honest

With yourself,

But, nonetheless,

The end won’t come to you,

So you carry on.

 

The rush is gone.

The fibers in your body

Scream in protest

To stop.

The elements now in full assault

Against your senses.

 

You ask yourself

How long?

What else needs to break

Or strain

Before you collapse completely?

Before this hellfire

Takes everything?

 

Despite this,

You know the race

Isn’t over.

The end draws

Ever closer,

The golden ticket

To the finale.

 

The rush is gone,

Replaced with a new

Incendiary wildfire.

 

Yet, as if by a miracle,

You now find yourself

Finished.

 

The line is crossed,

And you recline

On the grassy knolle.

That first rush never returned,

And your body still aches

With furious fervor

Against you.

 

It doesn’t matter.

 

You soak in

The satisfaction of completion.

It isn’t euphoric, granted,

But the feeling

Of liberation

Soothes the body.

 

Here you are,

Bruised, scarred, and weary,

And still triumphant

As you slip into

A more rewarding satisfaction,

Surrendering your body

To a healing rest.

Day 10: Unresolved

The tension that existed between the two was a poison that, slowly but surely, corrupted the well-being of each soul. He, with his deceptive facade and false disengagement, and she, with her worries and unsettled ire.

With any other individual, nothing was amiss. The best that these two could hope for when together was silence in the presence of the other, alacrity and frustration aside. Whatever longing each one had for the other’s company and warmth was suppressed by the festering wounds of deception and resentment, growing in cadence with a ticking time bomb that would soon consume them both.

An Open Letter to the President of the United States

Dear Mr. Trump,

At the beginning of this year, in January, you repeated a campaign-long vow to make the already great United States of America “great again.” You swore to work together with the American people to progress the nation into an era of prosperity and triumph, and that all of us are equal regardless of race and social background–that this nation belonged to all of us. You promised to put “America first” in the eyes of the world, and vowed to keep the people’s interests at heart with this statement.

In the almost eleven months since being sworn into office, the dismantling and rushed actions taken by you, your cabinet, and your Congress have shown to be contradictory to all that is written above, and are seemingly beneficial to only the few individual and corporate entities that are the wealthiest in the nation. And the list, while still growing, is decently decorated–swearing in the hilariously unqualified Betsey DeVos to head an already fractured education system; justifying the Nazis of Charlottseville, SC, responsible for the deaths and injuries of many, as “very nice people”; pulling out of the Paris Climate Agreement, one that aims to alleviate the oncoming dangers of a rapidly changing climate, even though natural disasters such as the California wildfires and Hurricane Harvey continue to mount in destructive tendencies; endorsing Roy Moore, a convicted sexual predator, for the Senate seat in Alabama to further the interests of the GOP; and, today, repealing the Net Neutrality rulings that allow for access to an open Internet without having to charge for different websites or having to block sites altogether. Again, there are many others, yet these events have proven to be the most monumental of your short tenure.

The worst thing about all of this, however, is that all of these events and rulings share this one commonality: these were not decided upon or enacted because there was an issue that could be amended with the previous form of the ruling or the seats, but, rather, these roads were taken out of spite toward the previous presidency and the opposing party which you and your own party members loathe without any intention to reconcile and work together. There are people who act as such in said opposing party, yes, and there have certainly been scandals committed by the Democrats that warrant anger and distrust, but the behavior and actions displayed by the Trump Republican Party have been an astounding display of debauchery and cruelty. All that has been accomplished under your presidency in the past year seemingly benefits only you and those closest to you, leaving the rest of the nation in a state of fear and uncertainty–wondering if they’ll have money and resources to stay afloat in the workforce, have a decent education for their children, or even if they’ll survive in this country (see: the Dreamers and all graduate students everywhere). And, as of today, the American citizen can now wonder if they’ll have an affordable or accessible internet to utilize for information and communication. It seems almost as though the right to free speech, press, and anything of the like will only be limited to those things that the head of the Interconnected Network of Networks deems suitable based upon their views and desires, and not in the best interests of the common citizen.

Leaders of the free world and representatives of the free people should put the needs and concerns of the many before the needs of the few. Based upon everything written here, as well as a plethora of careless acts of cruelty and selfishness, it seems now more than ever that all that you and your followers have done are more in line with the interests of yourselves and anyone who will say “yes” to you. As a regular citizen of the United States, I implore you and/or your party members to begin doing things that will benefit the nation as a whole in some way. Otherwise, if you still continue to recklessly create and throw away things out of spite for some individual or group, I and millions of others will incessantly call upon you to step down from the mantle of leadership and allow someone of greater character to steer the direction of this land toward a unified and sustainable future.

Sincerely,

Mairi

 

Day 9: Sometimes

Sometimes, we fall in love with a coward.

Sometimes, we love someone who casts us aside for the sake of pursuing something that is, ultimately, more attracting by some virtue of a deceitfully physical illusion rather than substance of the emotional.

Sometimes, we are betrayed by those closest to us–for, no matter how virtuous or self-serving their ambition is (especially out of “true love”), they will do whatever it takes to see their goal completed, regardless of who may get hurt.

And, strangely, that’s alright.

Because, sometimes, it takes these to grow into something suited for better than these troubles.

Day 8: Revelation

“Don’t you see it yet?”, she screamed, “all this time, she’s been playing both of us in whatever game she has because it benefits her, and you’ve been too swept up in this little romance of yours to see what it’s doing to everyone! Please, I beg of you, don’t be foolhardy about this and get us both killed before we have a chance to act!”

Samuel stood visibly shaken by Miranda’s confession, ostensibly horrified by the things he was listening to at the time. His breath caught and choked his throat as he struggled to put the pieces together.